Letter to Slagle Clause

Dear Slagle Clause,

Last year you came by on Christmas and gave my sister a black eye.  Is that your idea of a gift?  Did you think that would be funny?  Why would you do that?  Well I’m hoping you come back this year because I’ve been lifting all year and I’m ready to kick your ass.  You got my address and I’ll be waiting.

Ready for a fight,

Tommy

Dear Tommy, 
The reason she got the black eye is because Slagle Clause WARNED her, NO TEETH. She deserved it. You want to try this year? Keep waiting, just like your mother is waiting for child support. Slut.
                                                           Love,
                                                           Slagle Clause

Christmas love/hate

There’s a thin line between love and hate but this thing falls way to the left AND the right of that line

LOVE:

Christmas-Seeing old friends, spending time with family, shopping for gifts for loved ones, receiving gifts, hearing Christmas music everywhere, drinking eggnog, going to midnight mass.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

HATE:

Christmas-Seeing old friends you don’t wanna see, spending time with family you don’t even like, having to buy gifts for loved ones, receiving crappy gifts you don’t even want, hearing Christmas music everywhere,  drinking too much eggnog, being guilted into going to midnight mass.  It’s the most horrible time of the year.

Christmas Playlist Thoughts

So things have been hectic with the holiday season as is almost always the case. Gotta send cards to and buy gifts for relatives you see once a year or less regardless of whether or not you’re in a comfortable place financially to do so. It’s never much fun. That being said here’s the best thing I could come up with for this month’s issue. Think of this as my own spin on the 12 days of Christmas. Except instead of gifts it’s just observations I made throughout a slow Monday at my warehouse job. So in no particular order here are:

The Top 12 things the playlist I compiled to listen to at work on Monday December 13, 2010 have reminded me of:

1. Rainfall is The Apples In Stereo’s second greatest song right after Baroque.
2. I do not have a favorite Kinks song. Victoria and Well Respected Man will always be locked in a dual to the death.
3. The beginning of Mephiskapheles’ Bad Toupee is possibly one of the greatest moments in the history of percussion.
4. The snap at the end of the final chorus in The Zombies’ Tell Her No is the single most well placed snap ever recorded.
5. The Grains say “Punk rockers in the USA” as opposed to “UK” in their cover of White Man In Hammersmith Palais. I Hadn’t noticed this on any of my prior listens. It’s a neat little way of making it their own.
6. Time Out For Fun is both Devo’s greatest and most underrated song.
7. No matter what my wife or other people who get super into xmas tell me to the contrary, a song simply having “Christmas” or some variation thereof in the title such as Descendents’ Christmas Vacation or Tom Waits’ Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis counts as a holiday song.
8. While I don’t wish Rivers Cuomo any actual harm or misfortune I do wish something would put him back in a dark enough mindset to write another Pinkerton.
9. When The Ergs were recording their dub version of A Million Perfect Days there was talk of having the studio engineer record a “bong solo” over the instrumental break. The thought makes me chuckle every time I hear the song.
10. Bob Dylan’s holiday album from last year makes him sound a bit like Tom Waits on some tracks. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Waits takes a cue from this and releases one of his own.
11. Lemuria has gone through a few different bassists in recent history. What if they merged with Motorhead to form Lemmy-ria? Could the world handle something that badass?
12. Every second of Radiohead’s nearly six and a half minute Paranoid Android is totally necessary.

And a partridge in a pear tree. Or something to that effect. See you next year folks.

Beanies and Scarves

That's right, just in time for the Alco-holiday's 2010, we got beanies and scarves.  Beanies are available in a bunch of colors, scarves are pretty limited.  Get em' quick.