Issue #5 Love/Hate list

Love:

1) The Court Tavern- It smells like piss

 and looks like shit, but where else can

 you get a High Life tall boy, see a great

show, and get a Fat Cat on the way home?

 Nowhere, that’s where.  The best bar in NJ.

2) The Asbury Lanes- Good sound, PBR on

 tap, tons of room and dope art work in the

 bar.  A great place to see shows and they

 treat bands good too.

3) Dive Bars- I like a bar where you don’t

really want tap beer because you know the

 mugs and taps haven’t been cleaned in a

decade. Dive bars normally smell like beer

from 1985, but they also are usually cheap,

un-crowded, and have a jukebox that hasn’t

been updated since your Dad hung out there.

Hate:

1) Going to court- The hours are boring,

 the days are long and it almost always

 costs you money.  Whether you’re a witness,

plaintiff, juror, or Defendant, court is lame.

2) Bowling- People are always like “Let’s get

 drunk and bowl” and I’m always all “Let’s get

 drunk and NOT bowl.”  Hey, ya wanna play with

 big, heavy balls invite me over on a Friday night.

 I’ll even shave so there smooth and shiny.

3) “Fancy” bars- I hate when a bar opens and

decides it’s gonna be all fancy be having weird

bar stools, expensive drinks & not showing

 sports on the TV.  If I wanted a night of drinking

 to cost a small fortune I would have gone to the titty

 bar.  Bars are for drinking. Not flashing your social

 standing.

Year in Sports

Downhill hottie Lindsey Vonn captured gold in Vancouver (along with my heart), while the Flying Tomato and party animal Bode Miller also did their country proud by winning gold…Drew Brees and the Saints finally gave New Orleans something to cheer about winning the first Super Bowl in franchise history in what was another tough year for the city.  WHO DAT?...   And although Reggie Bush did win a ring, he did lose his Heisman Trophy and Kim Kardashian…  The Celtics won the east beating the Cleveland Cavaliers but went on to lose in the Finals to the Los Angeles Lakers, giving Phil Jackson more rings then fingers…   The World Cup happened in South Africa this year and Americans pretended to care up until Ghana beat us (Spain won)…  The San Francisco Giants won their first World Series since moving from NY this year, ending a 56 year drought.  They did it behind the weed smoking of ace pitcher Tim Lincecum…  Some other stuff happened in Hockey and Tennis but who really cares right?...  Floyd Mayweather Jr. looked scared to fight Manny Pacquiao and still does.  Floyd did however steal his girlfriends IPHONE in an attempt to look tough though…Free agent Lebron James signed with the Miami Heat and took tons of shit over his decision.  Personally I could care less what uniform he’s in to dunk over people.  Let the haters hate King…  Over all, A pretty good year in sports (unless you’re a Cubs fan) and I’m looking forward to a good 2011. Go Athletics.

Issue #5- Movie of the Year



I’ll give you 3 good reasons why Machete was the movie of the year.

1.       Jessica Alba naked in the shower.  Now you don’t get any full frontal, but there’s a ton of side boob and shiny skin.  I mean, if she can make Good Luck Chuck and Into the Blue watchable she can make this movie great.

2.       Lindsey Lohan bare chested.  Okay, her tits are mostly covered by her hair, but I swear I saw some nipple in there.

3.       Danny Trejo as the star.  He’s got jailhouse tattoos and scarred up face but he also finally got a leading role and he was fucking awesome in it.

Need some more reasons to see it, well, how about the director Robert Rodriguez.  He’s a great director and this is his best movie yet.  Or how about the cast.  Besides Alba and Lohan, there’s also the lawnmower man Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin, Steven Seagal (and his terrible Spanish ascent), Don Johnson, a superhot Michelle Rodriguez, and Bobby De Niro.  If that’s not enough, there’s also blood and guts, drinking and drugging, and tits and ass.  Plus, the movies pretty funny too (especially the “Machete doesn’t text” line).  I feel a lot of people slept on this movie in the theatre.  Don’t sleep on the DVD.  You heard it here.  Movie of the year.

Issue #5- OUT NOW



Pick it up here:

The Court Tavern (New Brunswick)

Curmudgeon Music (Somerville)

Calabrese's Barber Shop (Keyport)

Choppers Barber Shop (Flemington)

Immortal Ink (Flemington)

Immortal Ink (Clinton)

Bluestockings Books (NYC)

Sexy drunks

Bert respectfully thought this was La Palabra material.  I agreed.

Un-used back cover

Every issue there's a bunch of pictures I want to use for the back cover.  This is one that actually was printed, titled, and taped before I decieded to go with another picture.  It's just too good to not be seen.  Enjoy.

Tell Me Ya Burger

Steve Westmeyer-Hoagie roll, unknown beef-like substance, 'merican cheese-food, french fries lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mayonnaise, wrapped in brown paper bag. AKA the Fat Cat. 1,600 or so calories.

Eric Market(Post No Bills) - I'd have to combine the Triumph burger and buffalo burger from the Seargentsville Inn. 1/2 lb buffalo patty med rare, toasted Kaiser Roll with lettuce, tomato, deli mustard and Triumphs Cajun mayo. Maybe some apple wood smoked bacon and of course some sharp cheddar. Dill pickle on the side and a big 'ol side of fries with mayo for dipping.

Fredrick Ree(The Turnbucklers)-I like smaller reg. size beef patties doubled up, maybe some Swiss, a lil’ BBQ sauz, those lil’ crispy onion things, lettuce n tomato, toasted bun...boosh...I don’t enjoy furburgers

Dave Slagle(Somerville Town Drunks)- I love burgers.  Especially my BBQ Pulled Pork Cheeseburger: It has two burgers with cheddar cheese, pulled pork and coleslawr in the middle. Topped with bread and butter pickle slices, ketchup, mustard, and of course, love. Toasted bun too

Brian Woolverton(Post No Bills)-  The Post No pork roll, egg and cheeseburger. Hard roll (toasted) with pork roll, egg, cheddar cheese, fried onions, ketchup and hot sauce.

Mike Delin AKA Mookie- Hamburger on a pretzel roll with baby Swiss, pork roll, fried egg, onion ring, mayo and ketchup.  "Fat Mookie."

E Chops(Somerville Town Drunks)- The Palabra Patty Melt:  2 pieces of bread, two slices of cheese- 1 American, 1cheddar, beef patty, pickle chips and BBQ sauce.  Make a grilled cheese with a burger in between.

Scruff (The Tea and Whiskey)- The Locomotive at Burger Express in Carteret: Near as i can tell it's just a standard double quarter-pounder with regular beef patties, American cheese, ketchup and pickles on a hard roll.  Nothing extraordinary about it based on what I know of the ingredients, but when you actually bite into it that shit, it’s magical.

Bobby Cenicola(Somerville Town Drunks)- It all starts out with an Italian meatball made into a patty.  Marinarar sauce on the meat, topped with melted fresh mozzerellar, roasted peppers and grated parmigiana cheese on garlic bread, round roll….”The Digitialian Burger”